Becoming a Free Believer

I have wriggled my way through life without a label.  It wasn't because I was too good for one or because I am so unique that I deserved my own.  It was because at an early age I somehow understood and applied the art of "flying below the radar" and being a "jack of all trades".  These two attributes when combined allow a person to float between groups of people so that a label can truly never stick.   In school I had close friends all over the city.  Some druggies, some straight edge, some athletes, some gamers... I think you get the picture.

I became a believer of Christ in 2001, taking on my first label: "Christian".  I wore that label with pride.  My head was high and scripture shot out of my mouth like a holy gunslinger.  I studied my bible, learned Christian theologies, donated my time to those in need, and preached.  I worked my way up to a Youth Pastor within a few short years.  I had the great Christian "cookie-cutter" life... Pastor, husband to a beautiful wife, and father of three beautiful children.  It was at this point in my life that I learned the truth.

I WAS GAY.  Hahahaha, just kidding.

I was given a series of sermons called the "Love Series" by author, public speaker, and friend, Darin Hufford.  In this series Darin preached the heart of God through the vision of love.  It was the first time that my heart entered into my Christian lifestyle.  It was also the first time that I asked myself the hard questions about my religion and my relationship with God.  The message was basic: God is love and God's heart is loving people.  The (non-denominational) Institutional church I was attending  labeled the message as a cult... not because of the love message, but because of the freedom that was being taught through love.  The head pastor at my church took me aside and gave me an ultimatum: Stop pushing these heretical ideas of God or leave the church.  We left the church.

This is supposed to be the part where I write that life from then on was magical in a fairy tale-esque type of way.  Well... it wasn't.  Almost all of our friends in the church ostracized us, which fed the fuel to start despising all churches.   Even though we gained such a revelation of God's own heart, the damage that was done while still in the church proved to be overpowering.  A few years later we separated.  I struggled to maintain a reality that was not full of distrust, fear, and hate.  It was at this time I stopped labeling myself as Christian... I still believed in Christ and I still knew the heart of God, but I wanted nothing to do with main-stream Christianity or really even with God himself.

A few years later we were divorced and I went through the first depression that I had ever experienced.  It was after this bout of depression that I decided to really start my relationship with God.  I tried a couple churches, but couldn't stomach the lies.  I could see and feel the church's manipulation through fear in a light that felt like sharp blades of ice were piercing my heart...and to think that I was that fear mongering pastor not too long ago.

I have never gone back to an institutional church, I don't read my bible everyday, I don't quote scripture, yet my relationship with Jesus Christ is was beyond anywhere it was in the past.  I know that I am free to make whatever decision I want without the thought that God is going to turn His back on me.  It's called freedom... and what I have now is not religion... it is relationship.

I am a Free Believer.