you never can really see

past the gaze of colored walls

you don't know how deep they go

is a soul seen in a stare

can you know the collaboration

behind the skin

in all gray

feeling nothing

does the carnal takeover

by thought clawing through action

is it screaming for a basic

desire need want

is there a difference

in the matters of the gray

is there a truth

white and black

playing red rover in circumstance

falling through the arms of fate

hands of time

playing cards dealt

blindness

is it a choice

a decision

binding of terms and consequences

light and dark

clearing a path

of obvious clues

to the sanctuary

home

heart

For You

Before I knew God

There was you

The first 

Not in touch to skin or lips

The first

To release my soul

And find my heart

To love

All that had been with me since existence

Words bleeding on paper

It was me I gave

For the knowing you would remember

The difference you made in me 

<3

Ivory Affection

Contorting notes in a bended thought

strumming along down the keys

Together each one is different

Together the beauty begins

Feeling the imagination

through to the heart

slowing the beat

to sync

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

How it

Comes together

further piercing at the strings

then alone softly to grace seducing you along

hung on every change as it melts my ears to a final touch

falling in love with the dance of inspiration in dedication of life

Inspiration

Children less than the age of  responsibility

Roam the forgotten street

Searching tirelessly for a nest

To lick their open wounds

Bleeding endlessly in mind's eye

They see the families with their warm food and electricity

Peer behind the window of an unanswered door

Love is but a broken dream

Collected in their hands

Kept close to a shattered heart

Covered by only cardboard and a lost sweater

Tattered in holes and dirt

Why me Why me Why me

I would expect to see in thought

If I am a child of yours

Why have you forgotten me

As the world has

I wouldn't blame them for hating

For seeking vengeance on a world with no heart

And a God that tossed them away

But even in the shattered pieces

Of a heart torn apart since memories made

I find no such darkness

Hope

And comfort

From a father that cries the same tears

That feels the same injustice

Keeps the children's dreams 

Far away from the blackened air around them

They understand it was not him

That allowed their beds of concrete

They understand it was not him

That labelled their life as trash

They know without words

That everyone has been given choices

Choices that have molded this world

And their life as it is

But Hope

Stands steadfast

And love still flows in a broken heart

As our father keeps his arms tightly around them

They can feel him with each breath taken

The New Scarlet Letter

If there's something people have an opinion about, it's sex.  When to have it, where to have it, with whom to have it with, even how to have it.  I somewhat expected people to thrust their sexpinion (it happened so often I made my own word for it) on me after my divorce.  I even knew that if I divulged the fact that I had been with my ex since I was a teenager, the sexpinions increased.  If I really wanted a lengthy in-depth sexpinion, I'd let slip that I can count on one hand how many girls I've been with and that even those girls were over a decade ago.  I could watch the urge for listeners to voice their sexpinion manifest in their eyes.  It was like watching a gasoline covered moth figure out I was an Olympic-sized torch.  I do admit, sometimes I did it just to see the delivery of their reaction and solution.

Little did I know that hiding in the shadows is actually a larger less accepted catalyst...  abstaining.

Abstaining from sex in America is like wearing a scarlet letter.  Once people see it on you, you are immediately considered an imbalanced extremist.  Either extremely religious, extremely mental, or extremely in the gay closet... or all of the above.  I mean, really... if there's no physical reason from stopping you and you can find a willing partner, you would have to be certifiably insane to make the choice to abstain from sex, right?  I was told by a good friend of mine that the lack of sex has been proven to cause mental illness.  So not only am I insane to begin with, but I'm going to get more insane the longer I go without!

So here I am, a bible-thumpin medically certifiable mentally disabled in the closet gay man (figuratively speaking).   The funny thing is that I'm feeling great!  For me demoting sex to a bonus instead of a baseline for a relationship is one of the best decisions I've made.  Over half my life I've been engaging in sexual activity.  That means that for more than a quarter of my life, if I were to go more than a week without sex, something was wrong.  Being married at an early age definitely had its benefits.

I'm sharing some of my sexual history so that you understand I'm no one special.  I wasn't born in the mountains of the Himalayas. I didn't grow up saving my virginity for  marriage.  I just decided one day months after the divorce that it was time to refocus.  Let me be completely honest... it wasn't just about refocusing.  It also had a lot to do with being thrust into the singles world after a decade of being married.  Having sex with someone you don't necessarily trust is scary.  Diseases are scary.  Crazy women are scary.  Fear definitely played its part... in the beginning.

The largest factor for choosing to abstain wasn't the fear.  It wasn't the hassle or my rebellious spirit to go against what most people advised to do.  It was love.  In an earlier blog I mentioned that at one point I decided to attempt to fall in love with the people surrounding me... and I did.  Funny thing about love like that... you have no choice but to see a person's heart.

When you love a person's heart, you see their needs even if they don't.  Not once have I seen a person's heart need sex.  If anything, I've seen the exact opposite.  Most women have not met a man that wants to love them without sex.  In previous history women would find this love from their father.  Now with the ever increasing number of absentee fathers, the search continues to find that love in all the wrong places... sex being the most popular... but guess what ladies... you're not going to find love there.

So sew an "A" on my clothing if you wish.  Tell me all the ways that I am destroying myself by choosing to abstain from sex.  Women- don't date me because I'm not willing to use you for my own pleasure... but know this... if a man really loves you, if a man really knows your heart... he will respect you and wait.  He will respect himself and show self-control.  The benefits I have personally experienced from abstaining have far outweighed the fun of having sex.  Yes, it is fun and exhilarating.  That's why it is a difficult choice.

I'm not saying I'm going to be abstinent the rest of my life.  I'm not saying that anyone should be, but what I am saying is that if you haven't... try it out.  Re-focus.  You will learn more about yourself and others than you ever imagined.

So you think you can LOVE...

If love was a person living in this western society, it would be so hopped up on pharmaceuticals that it probably couldn't walk.  I imagine Love walking down the street (in a hospital gown because it would have had to escape from a mental institution) randomly kissing and kicking people.  Love would buy you jewelry and then stock your every move.  Love would make you open up your heart and then use everything you confided in it to beat you up.  Love would tell you that it loves you as it is walking out the door with no intention of returning.  Love would tell you how sorry it is and when you feel better... Love would punch you in the face with a roll of quarters.  What a schizophrenic bastard Love would be... according to our society.

This poses a problem when I tell people that in order to find God's heart you must love people.  The response I normally receive when I tell people this is, "I do love people... I love everybody!"  Ugh.  The word "love" has been so abused and so disconnected from the heart that there's no wonder why people believe that they do honestly "love" everybody.  Now don't get me wrong... there is probably a vein of truth that lies in those words with most people.  I mean, we had to "learn" what love is, right?  Yes and No.

As a parent I have "defined" what love is to my children starting from birth.  I, however, did not have to teach my children that love exists.  Many people have created a face for the body that they think is love, but in most cases that face is not connected to the one true body... God.

Awhile back I made a conscious effort to "fall in love" with the people I am surrounded by.  Male, female, family, friend, co-worker... whomever I came into consistent contact with.  What I found is that love is not schizo.  When you mentally focus on a person's heart, love is transferred naturally.  This love is always the same.  Though my words and actions are unique to the person I'm lovin' on... that transfer of love from one heart to another stays consistent.  This is because God, believe it or not, is actually not schizo either.  I'm willing to bet that you could take most people's definition of love and apply it to their definition of God.  ooooooh... go ahead and think about that for a minute, I'll wait :)

The point I am attempting to make is that we need to redefine "Love".  In order to love a connection must be made from one heart to another.  Love cannot exist without your heart.  If your heart isn't in it, than chances are your definition of love needs to be seen for what it really is... maybe its lust or fear or any other emotion we have been given.  Take the "face" of your love off and really examine the body you attached it to.   Does your heart agree with the body or definition that stands before you?

If this is a subject that interests you and you want to know more about how to attach the face of love to God, I highly recommend you read the book, The Misunderstood God, by Darin Hufford.  Its about $10 on Amazon and I guarantee it is a life changer.

Becoming a Free Believer

I have wriggled my way through life without a label.  It wasn't because I was too good for one or because I am so unique that I deserved my own.  It was because at an early age I somehow understood and applied the art of "flying below the radar" and being a "jack of all trades".  These two attributes when combined allow a person to float between groups of people so that a label can truly never stick.   In school I had close friends all over the city.  Some druggies, some straight edge, some athletes, some gamers... I think you get the picture.

I became a believer of Christ in 2001, taking on my first label: "Christian".  I wore that label with pride.  My head was high and scripture shot out of my mouth like a holy gunslinger.  I studied my bible, learned Christian theologies, donated my time to those in need, and preached.  I worked my way up to a Youth Pastor within a few short years.  I had the great Christian "cookie-cutter" life... Pastor, husband to a beautiful wife, and father of three beautiful children.  It was at this point in my life that I learned the truth.

I WAS GAY.  Hahahaha, just kidding.

I was given a series of sermons called the "Love Series" by author, public speaker, and friend, Darin Hufford.  In this series Darin preached the heart of God through the vision of love.  It was the first time that my heart entered into my Christian lifestyle.  It was also the first time that I asked myself the hard questions about my religion and my relationship with God.  The message was basic: God is love and God's heart is loving people.  The (non-denominational) Institutional church I was attending  labeled the message as a cult... not because of the love message, but because of the freedom that was being taught through love.  The head pastor at my church took me aside and gave me an ultimatum: Stop pushing these heretical ideas of God or leave the church.  We left the church.

This is supposed to be the part where I write that life from then on was magical in a fairy tale-esque type of way.  Well... it wasn't.  Almost all of our friends in the church ostracized us, which fed the fuel to start despising all churches.   Even though we gained such a revelation of God's own heart, the damage that was done while still in the church proved to be overpowering.  A few years later we separated.  I struggled to maintain a reality that was not full of distrust, fear, and hate.  It was at this time I stopped labeling myself as Christian... I still believed in Christ and I still knew the heart of God, but I wanted nothing to do with main-stream Christianity or really even with God himself.

A few years later we were divorced and I went through the first depression that I had ever experienced.  It was after this bout of depression that I decided to really start my relationship with God.  I tried a couple churches, but couldn't stomach the lies.  I could see and feel the church's manipulation through fear in a light that felt like sharp blades of ice were piercing my heart...and to think that I was that fear mongering pastor not too long ago.

I have never gone back to an institutional church, I don't read my bible everyday, I don't quote scripture, yet my relationship with Jesus Christ is was beyond anywhere it was in the past.  I know that I am free to make whatever decision I want without the thought that God is going to turn His back on me.  It's called freedom... and what I have now is not religion... it is relationship.

I am a Free Believer.