In the Moment

There are moments where we feel so alone.  We could be lying next to the one we've committed ourselves to.  We could be surrounded by a life full of proclaiming lovers of our soul.  We could be kneeling in front of statues or praying to the god we love, yet somehow loneliness doesn't care.  Somehow that voice we try not to believe exists continues whispering thoughts we know can't be right.  Thoughts that no one truly knows us...gets us...loves us.  Just by having this voice that most of us have decided not to recognize makes us alone.  Even those who do understand themselves enough to make a choice not to disregard any voice in their head don't share such thoughts.  The few that think they're able to share still find it difficult to trust anyone with the complete truth.  We will hide just enough pieces so that this picture we have of ourselves is deep enough in our own shadow that sometimes we ourselves can only make out the silhouette.  We hide it in the same place we feel alone.  Why is it that we feel like such failures when we are the ones that make this daily decision to hide?

I have yet to meet someone in any situation that is immune to loneliness.  I have met people unwilling to accept this part of their thoughts as true reality, but lying to yourself about it just enforces the fact the feeling is there.  In order to (temporarily) silence such a beast, one must build the cage, a cage of strength, of stealth, and every other mental facility it requires to lock a piece of yourself away.

So why do we do it?  Do we not trust the people we choose to surround ourselves with?  Do we not trust ourselves that even in our own darkness we are able to see the good?  Do we feel guilty that such beautiful lives can give birth to thoughts of loneliness?  Why do we imprison parts of ourselves?  Is it vanity? fear? righteousness?  Does it even matter why?

I challenge you (and myself)... communicate times of loneliness.  Do not fear reactions or accusations because you will know that the lips of those people quick to assume and judge and lay guilt do so because they too have times of loneliness,but they are unable to release such hidden thoughts... and that's okay.  If you fear the reactions you receive, you have made a decision to fear the ones you love.  You have also decided to fear parts of yourself.  Commit to those you have chosen to love and shed light to a part of you that is true and real.  

On the flip side... if anyone decides to share their loneliness with you... don't take offense!  Don't even ask why.  Just listen.  Look them straight in the eyes and tell them that you love every part of them... even the parts you know they keep hidden away.  Most importantly recognize how difficult and uncomfortable it is for someone to share such thoughts that may not even make sense to themselves or you!

My theory is that when a voice deep inside of you is given the chance to speak a domino of understanding begins... a light arises from within you and you can start to love fully and confidently... you will be able to love like you've always wanted to!

How to be Happy 101

Motivations come in every size and shape.  Though the subjects seem generalized when portrayed in surface words, the journey to come to these realizations is as unique as the mind itself.  
Over the past few weeks many conversations I've had surrounded the topic of love as life's motivation.  The love of children, the love of a partner, the love of religion, and the love of God.  To many people the last two subjects I listed are one in the same... to me they're not and my reasoning will become apparent if you choose to continue to read this.

A person's motivation as I see it is a hallway leading to a great circular room of doors.  Each of these doors hang upon it a label of emotion.  As the hallway connects to this room you find passages on the left and right.  The floor to the closest ones are the most worn, the most used, and the most lit.  Most of these may not even have doors because they are passed through so often.  Then as you look across this massive room you see more doors as a shadow slowly engulfs the other side.  These are the emotions rarely used.  I would imagine at some point in the past they were locked or walled off because of some traumatic happening that took place or even a moment of enlightenment that caused a belief that for whatever reason we don't trust ourselves to pass through.

Now let me break off for a minute.  The reason I wanted to write about this subject started as just one thought.  I thought it was just a mood I was in, but it just stayed with me like a passenger tied to a seat in a boxcar of my train of thought- riding around with me wherever I went.  The thought was this: Where are all the happy people???  I'm not talking about that fake happiness that is turned off like a light switch as soon as a person is alone.  I'm talking about true-to-the-core happiness.  The type of happiness that can be seen in your eyes, the happiness that keeps you smiling when no one is around, the happiness that allows you to fall asleep to the anticipation of what new awesomeness tomorrow may bring.  A happiness that lasts.

I am a person that fully believes you will never know a person unless they allow you to see their heart.  The easiest access to anyone's heart is genuine love... what I believe is God's love given to them by you with no intentions of gain... no underlying motivations other than a simple want to know that person for who they are.  People will open their heart to you without even realizing it if they can feel that love.  I have been invited into many hearts and what I have seen hurts.  It's beautiful, but painful.  We hide so much of ourselves in our hearts that a lot of the time we're ashamed to even shed light on it to ourselves let alone invite anyone in.  This has anchored that question even deeper into my thoughts... where is the happiness???

Happiness is obviously a bi-product.  It happens when something in our life provokes it, and that got me thinking... what could provoke true happiness?  I thought about normal things that may make us happy... a promotion at work, a compliment, a refreshing warm rain after a heat wave, making love, etc etc etc.  These events can provoke happiness, but on what level and is it actually true happiness?  Most of the things I thought of may keep us happy for a minute, maybe even an hour or day, but what happens in our lives that keep us happy for extended periods of time?  Then I thought of relationships... pets, people, religion.  Can I consider relationships as events?  They are more like a conglomeration of events... and although they can cause happiness, they can also cause many other emotions.  Do you see where I'm going here?  They can't be labelled as events because they're our true motivations.

So here's an example... Joe is crazy happy today, so happy he's blasting some good tunes and dancing around his house.  Now one might say that his happiness was caused because he signed a huge money-making contract with a client.  You could also say that his happiness is just temporary because if he doesn't sign another client for years to come he wouldn't be happy, so its not true-happiness.  If you go deeper, you might say he is truly happy because this contract gives him the ability to stop focusing on finances that were straining his relationship with his wife and focus on what he can do to help save his marriage... again though we can play the temporary card and ask if that's true-happiness.  I think you get the picture.

Now let's get back to motivations.  I stated earlier that motivations are the hallway to the great room of emotions.  (remember we're trying to figure out how to get to true happiness) So let's say love is the hallway.  We love our child, so that's our motivation to be a person they can look up to.  We love our boyfriend/girlfriend so we work harder to be the person we perceive they want us to be.  We love our church so we give our time to show our commitment to the cause.  These are all tangible relationships/motivations.  Now let me ask you this... What happens when those motivations dissolve right in front of us?  It happens everyday... We get a divorce, a child dies unexpectedly, our head pastor is convicted of some scandal.  Well, we change motivations, right?  Easier said then done.  And who is going to be the ass to tell a parent to get over the death of their child and choose some other motivation?  Or to forget about their spouse of over 20 years and find someone else?

Let's just say we do find another motivation to focus on

The next motivation (hallway) we walk down has another great room, but in this one the happiness "door" is located further away from the hallways entrance.  This is life.  This is the world we live in.  So logically speaking our true-happiness needs to be anchored to a motivation that is not tangible... the love of something that can't die, that can't leave you, that can't be touched by circumstances or life.  What does that leave us with?  Something not of this world, something we can't change no matter what we do or say... that something is still love... I believe the motivation we need is the love of God.  Now don't get all religious on me!  You still have to choose your motivation.  You have to decide what hallway you walk down to get to true-happiness.  Its a daily decision and the love of God is still a relationship.  The problem is that most people, believers or not, perceive you need religion to achieve the love of God.  What if I was to tell you that God is willing to give you his love at no cost?  He is willing to love you just to get to know the real you... no self-glorified intention, no underlying motivations, just unconditional love... what if he doesn't even require you to love him back to receive his love?  Would you choose the love of God as your motivation?  Would you make his love your hallway to true happiness?

This is what I have chosen.  This is what I live in and if you don't believe me, let's have coffee.  You can look in my eyes, I'll let you into my heart and you can see for yourself... I am truly to-the-core happy and all I want is the same for you.  I'm not promising an easy life.  I'm not saying bad things won't happen to you.  I'm not looking to win souls.  I'm not saying to join a church.  I don't want your money or your time... I just want to see more happy people in the world we live.

you never can really see

past the gaze of colored walls

you don't know how deep they go

is a soul seen in a stare

can you know the collaboration

behind the skin

in all gray

feeling nothing

does the carnal takeover

by thought clawing through action

is it screaming for a basic

desire need want

is there a difference

in the matters of the gray

is there a truth

white and black

playing red rover in circumstance

falling through the arms of fate

hands of time

playing cards dealt

blindness

is it a choice

a decision

binding of terms and consequences

light and dark

clearing a path

of obvious clues

to the sanctuary

home

heart

For You

Before I knew God

There was you

The first 

Not in touch to skin or lips

The first

To release my soul

And find my heart

To love

All that had been with me since existence

Words bleeding on paper

It was me I gave

For the knowing you would remember

The difference you made in me 

<3

Ivory Affection

Contorting notes in a bended thought

strumming along down the keys

Together each one is different

Together the beauty begins

Feeling the imagination

through to the heart

slowing the beat

to sync

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

Love

How it

Comes together

further piercing at the strings

then alone softly to grace seducing you along

hung on every change as it melts my ears to a final touch

falling in love with the dance of inspiration in dedication of life

Inspiration

Children less than the age of  responsibility

Roam the forgotten street

Searching tirelessly for a nest

To lick their open wounds

Bleeding endlessly in mind's eye

They see the families with their warm food and electricity

Peer behind the window of an unanswered door

Love is but a broken dream

Collected in their hands

Kept close to a shattered heart

Covered by only cardboard and a lost sweater

Tattered in holes and dirt

Why me Why me Why me

I would expect to see in thought

If I am a child of yours

Why have you forgotten me

As the world has

I wouldn't blame them for hating

For seeking vengeance on a world with no heart

And a God that tossed them away

But even in the shattered pieces

Of a heart torn apart since memories made

I find no such darkness

Hope

And comfort

From a father that cries the same tears

That feels the same injustice

Keeps the children's dreams 

Far away from the blackened air around them

They understand it was not him

That allowed their beds of concrete

They understand it was not him

That labelled their life as trash

They know without words

That everyone has been given choices

Choices that have molded this world

And their life as it is

But Hope

Stands steadfast

And love still flows in a broken heart

As our father keeps his arms tightly around them

They can feel him with each breath taken

The New Scarlet Letter

If there's something people have an opinion about, it's sex.  When to have it, where to have it, with whom to have it with, even how to have it.  I somewhat expected people to thrust their sexpinion (it happened so often I made my own word for it) on me after my divorce.  I even knew that if I divulged the fact that I had been with my ex since I was a teenager, the sexpinions increased.  If I really wanted a lengthy in-depth sexpinion, I'd let slip that I can count on one hand how many girls I've been with and that even those girls were over a decade ago.  I could watch the urge for listeners to voice their sexpinion manifest in their eyes.  It was like watching a gasoline covered moth figure out I was an Olympic-sized torch.  I do admit, sometimes I did it just to see the delivery of their reaction and solution.

Little did I know that hiding in the shadows is actually a larger less accepted catalyst...  abstaining.

Abstaining from sex in America is like wearing a scarlet letter.  Once people see it on you, you are immediately considered an imbalanced extremist.  Either extremely religious, extremely mental, or extremely in the gay closet... or all of the above.  I mean, really... if there's no physical reason from stopping you and you can find a willing partner, you would have to be certifiably insane to make the choice to abstain from sex, right?  I was told by a good friend of mine that the lack of sex has been proven to cause mental illness.  So not only am I insane to begin with, but I'm going to get more insane the longer I go without!

So here I am, a bible-thumpin medically certifiable mentally disabled in the closet gay man (figuratively speaking).   The funny thing is that I'm feeling great!  For me demoting sex to a bonus instead of a baseline for a relationship is one of the best decisions I've made.  Over half my life I've been engaging in sexual activity.  That means that for more than a quarter of my life, if I were to go more than a week without sex, something was wrong.  Being married at an early age definitely had its benefits.

I'm sharing some of my sexual history so that you understand I'm no one special.  I wasn't born in the mountains of the Himalayas. I didn't grow up saving my virginity for  marriage.  I just decided one day months after the divorce that it was time to refocus.  Let me be completely honest... it wasn't just about refocusing.  It also had a lot to do with being thrust into the singles world after a decade of being married.  Having sex with someone you don't necessarily trust is scary.  Diseases are scary.  Crazy women are scary.  Fear definitely played its part... in the beginning.

The largest factor for choosing to abstain wasn't the fear.  It wasn't the hassle or my rebellious spirit to go against what most people advised to do.  It was love.  In an earlier blog I mentioned that at one point I decided to attempt to fall in love with the people surrounding me... and I did.  Funny thing about love like that... you have no choice but to see a person's heart.

When you love a person's heart, you see their needs even if they don't.  Not once have I seen a person's heart need sex.  If anything, I've seen the exact opposite.  Most women have not met a man that wants to love them without sex.  In previous history women would find this love from their father.  Now with the ever increasing number of absentee fathers, the search continues to find that love in all the wrong places... sex being the most popular... but guess what ladies... you're not going to find love there.

So sew an "A" on my clothing if you wish.  Tell me all the ways that I am destroying myself by choosing to abstain from sex.  Women- don't date me because I'm not willing to use you for my own pleasure... but know this... if a man really loves you, if a man really knows your heart... he will respect you and wait.  He will respect himself and show self-control.  The benefits I have personally experienced from abstaining have far outweighed the fun of having sex.  Yes, it is fun and exhilarating.  That's why it is a difficult choice.

I'm not saying I'm going to be abstinent the rest of my life.  I'm not saying that anyone should be, but what I am saying is that if you haven't... try it out.  Re-focus.  You will learn more about yourself and others than you ever imagined.